DEAR ABBY: My unpleasant older sister lives by the creed, “It’s my way or the highway.” As a result, she has no close friends, no husband or partner, no social circle. She was “strongly encouraged” to take early retirement from teaching because she couldn’t get along with her co-workers.
After retirement, she joined a few clubs but soon quit because they “didn’t do things right,” aka her way. Even though she treats me terribly, I have tried for years to be the better person and invite her to my family gatherings so she doesn’t have to spend holidays alone.
Unfortunately, she is also the world’s worst houseguest. Within minutes of arriving, she announces a list of things she just can’t stand (and are therefore prohibited during her stay). These include certain TV shows, music, foods, ingredients, topics of conversation, any family story that includes her, etc. She stays until everyone has gone and then berates me for everything that I did wrong during her visit.
If I don’t invite her, I feel guilty that she’s alone and has no other options. If I do invite her, I’m so stressed that I don’t get to enjoy having time with my children and grandchildren, which is very precious to me. What do you recommend I do? — TORN SISTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR SISTER: I think you have suffered enough. If you decide to invite your older sister to visit again, first establish some ground rules. The first should be that when she’s under your roof, you, not she, will decide on what entertainment is appropriate and what foods you will serve. And how they’re prepared. No topic of discussion will be off-limits. If there is something she can’t eat, she can refuse it. If something being talked about is not to her liking, she’s free to leave the room.
The second ground rule should be that you are not obligated to entertain her 24/7, particularly if you want to spend time with the grandchildren.
Of course, Sissy is free to reject your kind invitation, but if she accepts your conditions, the holiday will be a far happier one for you.
DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away last year. I live by myself in a two-story house with three bedrooms and three bathrooms. My kids want me to sell it. I don’t care for the stairs, but that’s the only thing I don’t like about my house. I’ve lived in this house for more than 30 years, and I don’t want to sell. I’ve always done what everybody else, especially my husband, has told me to do. For once in my life, I want to do what I want to do. Can you give me some advice? — FINALLY FREE
DEAR FREE: My advice is to take your own advice. You seem to be happy where you are, so don’t allow your kids to pressure you into selling before you’re ready. I will add, though, that it would be wise to run your kids’ worries by your physician. If there are health concerns that make it unsafe for you to live alone in a big house with stairs, it’s best to listen to your doctor.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
